6 months

Today is precisely 6 months since I became sick with a burnout.

It is just a date, and I was told to not focus on the passage of time, that this is not important, the important thing is myself. But I can’t help myself and ignore the passage of time. It is a representation of everything I learned, everything that is constantly changing in the world, everything that I still have to go through to be a functional healthy person again. It’s also my enemy, I want for it to fly, I want to rush into being ok again. I want the feeling of a normal life. I’m still far from it, even if I’m running like crazy towards it. Maybe I should just slow down my pace and enjoy the view.

How can I? I’m always thinking about the future. How tomorrow is going to be? How my holidays are going to be? How my next move is going to be? What my next work is going to be? When do I got to get pregnant for the first time? It’s always about the future, never about the present. I’ve learn a lot so far, but I still struggle into being in the present.

I learned to be more selfish, to put myself first. I’ve learned that I can do things just for the fun in it. I learned that I have to pay close attention to myself to keep on track. I’ve to push myself into doing in order to not get paralyzed by my own fear.  Then I have to be grateful for my small accomplishments and not focus on what I can’t do yet, but in what I can do now. That is ok to do nothing sometimes. I’ve learned to be more honest, to myself and to others. I’ve learned that what I think and feel is ok, and I can say it if I feel like it, I don’t have to hide. I learned  that the best approval comes from inside. If you like it, that is all that matters. I learned that I have to learn how to be my best friend.

I don’t know my road yet. I do not have a plan. But I’m keeping on doing my best, like always.

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A purpose

Today I was told something that I knew to be true already but in what I don’t believe yet:

You are not on this world to work

So for what then? What is my purpose? How can I unravel it?

And I ask you dear readers and you for what are you in the world for? 

End of a Chapter

Our life is like a book it tells a story that we are writing everyday. It takes twists and turns like the best thrillers.

For me today is an end of a Chapter.

It has been on of the most intense chapters of my life, with so many highs and lows. I remember one year ago I was so happy that I couldn’t help myself. A new job, on a new country, a good challenge, a new start. It became the most important thing of my life, and soon started to gain a dimension bigger than the world. This dimension that existed only on my head began to overpowered my world.

Then I collapse, even if I was surrounded by my own success caused by my own effort I could not take it anymore, this dimension was crushing me.

Then introspection began, why, how, when, what. All the questions popped into my head, I faced it like a puzzle that I needed to solve to get better. I solved it, I didn’t get better, I just got angry.

Then all this struggle for new habits, a new life, a different way into looking into the world, that I was forcing just to get back to the job. All the right things but with the wrong motivation. Such a change cannot be pushed by will power, it must came from inside.

But still it got better, it gave me enough energy to try it again. And things went back more or less on track. Only then the end of the contract became real. And I realized how long is still the way to go. I let go of expectations, of must dos, I gave myself a break. I faced that this is an hard time that I’m facing and I should just nourish myself on the best possible way.

The day had came. it is over at last. This chapter ends with a sad note but a glimpse of hope.  This is just an end of a chapter, so that I can begin a new one on my life.

The future no one knows, but for the present I’m just grateful that I am where I am right now, because even if it is hard even if I still fight it, it is where I am suppose to be.

Journey for self love

It is been a very long time since I posted anything on the blog, no quotes, no lists, no texts. I wish I could say it was because I was so happy with getting my normal life back that I didn’t felt the need to write, or that I was so busy that I didn’t had the time. None of this is truth. I told you before about the Grey, and there is a lot of grey as far as I can tell. I’m still drifting, and in fact I let myself drift too much. I went with the flow, no plan, no overthinking, no self-evaluation every second. I let loose. It was a good idea with a bad timing. I’m a very strict person but I have no discipline at all. So combining my new approach and my character when trying to get a normal life back after a burnout it led to chaos.

It wasn’t that bad, I learn that I should keep some evaluation and discipline, but what I was doing before was too much. Again and as always everything is about the balance.

I have no balance in my life yet, just as when I was starting to get more or less on track with some work  I took holidays, then I came back to work only to find out that I’m no longer work because the end of my contract. Life is again throwing at me difficult challenges, I think in a way is trying to force me to pay attention to myself. Not to jobs, not to others, not to things. In this chaos I learned that when I’m kind to myself I’m not overwhelmed. When I love myself I found enough comfort in me to let go of all the fears. When I let go of expectations and my way of thinking how it should be it is sometimes possible to see beauty in the surroundings.

So it is possible even on chaos to be mindful, it is possible even for a moment to stop hurting yourself, it is possible even for a moment consider that if a door closes a window opens.

Now for me it is a time to recover. I’m still in shock from my last events, I need to give myself time to heal. Even if it means eating a box of chocolates in one afternoon, or walking in pyjamas the whole day, or being moody in he evening with my husband. I know it is not the end of the world and that I’m blessed with many great things in life. I know a lot of people go through a lot worst and don’t make such a big deal out of it. But for me right now is like if I’m grieving, for my old job, for my old self, for the life that I no longer choose. It is a process, it will take some time, it will take some tears, it will take energy.

But in the end, now I want to learn how to love myself enough. So I can have the wisdom to be kind to me, so I can have the clarity to seek for new goals. So I can be enlightened to be in the present moment.

self-love-thich

The grey area

So I think I mentioned it before it cames a time in your recovery where everything is grey. First you have the black, when you do what you have to do because you can’t do anything else. Then you start to recover and you see grey. Sometimes is still black but in general you have more light and you start to get glimpses of a normal life again.

For me this is the hardest part by far. Because this glimpses of light make me want more. And I’m struggling, struggling because I can’t have more yet, struggling because to often I see the black still. I’m linger for normal life, so unconsciously I’m pushing myself into it, even if I’m not really ready for it. So then I see the black again. I go into my old patterns of pushing should’s instead of want’s. I start to over think the future again, what may come in my way? Because now it is so uncertain. I want to understand my role in my environment. I’m treated like the sick person who has to take care of herself so it is like I’m not even accountable… I don’t like it. I like people’s love, I appreciate their compassion and understanding, but I just want to be normal again.

Maybe for now I should just play the role of the sick one and make it easier on myself. Embrace it so I can overcome it. Otherwise I’m spending my energy on a wrong way and it is not working…