Today is precisely 6 months since I became sick with a burnout.
It is just a date, and I was told to not focus on the passage of time, that this is not important, the important thing is myself. But I can’t help myself and ignore the passage of time. It is a representation of everything I learned, everything that is constantly changing in the world, everything that I still have to go through to be a functional healthy person again. It’s also my enemy, I want for it to fly, I want to rush into being ok again. I want the feeling of a normal life. I’m still far from it, even if I’m running like crazy towards it. Maybe I should just slow down my pace and enjoy the view.
How can I? I’m always thinking about the future. How tomorrow is going to be? How my holidays are going to be? How my next move is going to be? What my next work is going to be? When do I got to get pregnant for the first time? It’s always about the future, never about the present. I’ve learn a lot so far, but I still struggle into being in the present.
I learned to be more selfish, to put myself first. I’ve learned that I can do things just for the fun in it. I learned that I have to pay close attention to myself to keep on track. I’ve to push myself into doing in order to not get paralyzed by my own fear. Then I have to be grateful for my small accomplishments and not focus on what I can’t do yet, but in what I can do now. That is ok to do nothing sometimes. I’ve learned to be more honest, to myself and to others. I’ve learned that what I think and feel is ok, and I can say it if I feel like it, I don’t have to hide. I learned that the best approval comes from inside. If you like it, that is all that matters. I learned that I have to learn how to be my best friend.
I don’t know my road yet. I do not have a plan. But I’m keeping on doing my best, like always.